Thursday, October 31, 2013

Nerves.

I'll cut right to the source of the nervousness buzzing around our house tonight- Henry goes in for surgery tomorrow morning.  His tonsils and adenoids are coming out, and ear tubes are going in.  We have had numerous visits after months of concern and have come to the decision that this is the best plan for him.  We didn’t reach it without huge waves of nerves and second, then third-guessing ourselves.  Overall, he seems fine.  Yes he snores and breathes a little strangely while sleeping, gulps on his tonsils here and there throughout the day, and has had consistent trouble with his ears.  But he never complains of pain, and is a happy, overall healthy little boy.  So sending him in for the procedure was a tough choice but for various reasons seems to be the necessary one for his long-term health.   After rescheduling numerous times, tomorrow is the day.  Finally here.
I know that this surgery is very common, and to many seems like no big deal.  Realistically I know this, though when it’s my actual child facing it, it has become terrifying.   I also know that I have a tendency to be dramatic and jump to worst-case scenarios.  But in this case, when it comes to a not-that-small surgery on my little guy, who is younger than they were hoping he'd be when this happened, the fear feels pretty darn real.  I hate that he has to do this, that he has a very limited understanding of what will actually be happening, that he'll be sleeping tomorrow in a hospital instead of his own bed.  And I so badly wish that I could just do it for him. 

I should count my blessings instead and send positive energy his way, but it's hard.  I've had so many reminders lately of how much worse it could be.  We are so lucky he isn't sick, he's not having an emergency surgery, we have a specialist we like and trust, and we are taking care of the issues while he's still little which should make it easier for him.  But it just doesn't change the fact that my little boy will be on an operating table having surgery while we are rooms away waiting anxiously to be with him again.  I have felt some guilt over the fact that he'll be walking in feeling relatively normal, and leave in pain.  I can only hope that once he heals, he'll recognize that things feel better.  I have nothing else to say other than, I'm nervous. 
And also? Stay off google because I can assure you it makes things like this far more difficult.  Like stomach-ulcer type of fear. 

My own mom keeps telling me that "I'm the mom now" and that will be something I repeat to myself over and over tomorrow.  I can't remember a single time where I could sense my Mom's fear when I was young.  Now that we are both adults I am aware of her nerves when she's stressed, but I never could tell before and I know that I needed her to be that rock.  It's still so wild to me that I'm that person to two little babes now, and I need to be calm tomorrow, for Henry.  

I will be sure to post an update, and hope that it reaches someone else in the same position some day.  I know that I was eagerly searching for experiences on the internet when thinking about this procedure, and I hope to have a positive experience to share tomorrow.