Thursday, July 7, 2011

Hold Tight

That's exactly what I'm doing these days. But trying not to hold too tight. Amid all of these changes that Henry is making at what feels like lightening speed, I race along trying to keep up. If I miss a moment, a single photo, practically look away at the wrong time I've missed something new for Henry. That's how quickly he's changing. While I soak up every bit of it and watch in awe while the love just spills out of me for him, I find little bits of me left behind with every stage he moves out of. Let me just say, that I do love change.  In all areas of life. When I don't feel things evolving around me I crave it. But from the moment Henry was born change has become a bittersweet thing for me, and I feel a bit guilty for admitting that. Let me clarify.  I adore every change Henry makes.  I could go on for days on end about all of the things he can do and the things he is learning, the cute faces, the funny moments... but like I've said before it's simply a hard realization that as he breezes through life's stages it is the last time I will see him in that place. We've reached the last time that Henry bunches his legs up under his body like he did when he was inside, and when he was a newborn.  You know, when they sit like little frogs with their tiny tushes sticking straight out as they rest perfectly in your hand. We've passed the stage where we could sit home together all day snuggling, etc. I want to savor every little thing he does and it makes me afraid knowing that, as I'm only human, I won't be able to savor and remember everything. As time goes on entirely too quickly it becomes all too clear that I won't get to spend every minute with him watching.  And you all know my fear of forgetting.  However,
I don't want to be one of those parents who is so afraid of their kids growing up that they don't let them do it. But I am just a bit afraid.
I think I'll get over it with time, because all of Henry's new stages are so much fun that it's hard to miss days gone by, and because I do of course want him to grow to be independent and confident and not feel smothered by his mama. When he's up in bed though like he is now, I have time to think of those days, and I am allowing myself just a few moments to soak in the feelings, as raw as they may be, that come with being a new mother...
What a huge responsibility. I still remember the smell of my mom when I'd rest my head under her chin.  In my old neurotic ways I would come to her in a frenzy, undoubtedly worried about something ridiculous and I'd come to her for answers.  Whatever she told me was fact in my mind.  I rested on every single word she said and now I'm that person for H. I'm a safe place for him, and it's my job to be warm and open and understanding despite what is going on in my own corner of the world, my job to protect him.  I cannot imagine life as a child without that security and I'm thankful that I get the chance to be that person to baby H.
Every stage is just amazing.  Well, every stage other than the let's not sleep anymore stage. That one is a great exercise in patience and remembering everything I just said, to be calm and comforting even when I don't understand why he suddenly doesn't like to sleep as well.
                            Henry's new thing! He likes to be up and active, this one. I don't miss sleep anymore when I see that smile. I'd stay up all year for that!
                        cat-napping at work while we can

Our little update is that mr. 3 month old big boy thinks sleeping is for the birds, apparently.  He wakes up more than he did as a newborn now, and though I used to be able to comfort him when he woke up (if he wasn't hungry) with patting, singing, ssshhhshing, etc. these tricks no longer work. No no, he will not have it. This boy wants the boobies. He can be tossing and turning and his eyes still closed, but he will rub them and rub them until they are able to open, and then it's all over until it's boob to the rescue. I'm happy to be needed and love nursing the little guy so very much, but I'd be lying if I said I don't miss the sleep a tad... my under-eye bags miss the sleep too I think.  But when I'm not in a zombie like middle of the night stupor, I try to just hold tight to the moments when snuggling close to mama is the best thing. Some day soon he'll be a busy boy and there will be less time to snuggle all night.

1 comment:

  1. Love love love the new pictures! It makes me miss him and you immensely though. I can't wait until you are back in Iowa!


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